Sun, 12 Jul 2026 21:53:51 -0700WeeblySat, 15 Mar 2025 19:15:37 GMThttps://www.whitneyschrader.com/blog/a-glimpse-into-my-vulnerable-past"I remember B E G G I N G God to turn me into a boy when I was younger. 

I knew there was a girl waiting for me, but the message society told me was in order to be with the girl you loved, you had to be a boy, NOT a girl. That message plagued me for years, but God told me at the time He had a plan for me, & that later on in life it would all make sense. Until that time came, my life was a living H E L L.

I was P E T R I F I E D of being alone my entire life.
I spent 30 years of my life B E G G I N G  others to love me. P L E A D I N G. Friendships, romantic partners, my life depended on whether or not others deemed me worthy or not. 

Growing up I could never express my feelings for girls, so I stuffed it down while having to watch my best guy friends "get the girl". It was gutwrenching. I felt unworthy of love, and I felt like I failed God.  I thought my purpose in life was to protect and save the feminine from the manipulating masculine. I grew up wanting to be womens "Hereos".

 Even when the relationship was clearly over, I was still there, on my knees praying to God to not leave me. Crying & emotional outbursts were part of my every day life. The pain kept growing, it wouldn't stop. I tried healing myself through romantic partnerships, I isolated myself from my friends whenever I was dating someone. I tried to M O R P H myself into what that person wanted me to be. 
I gave up my childhood dream of playing sports to get into an incredibly abusive relationship when I was 19. I left my college softball team & pursued a woman of 27. I was 19.

I was emotionally S T A R V I N G.

I felt abandoned. Betrayed. Rejected by LOVE. I never felt good enough, I was always hiding. I was terrified of someone  S E E I N G all of me. I spent Y E A R S in toxic relationships repeating cycles of abuse, codependency, trauma bonding, disintegrated masculine & karmic feminine patterning. People's opinion of me & people pleasing ran me into the ground. I compensated my lack of self love with constant overgiving, serving my E G O at all costs.

  Society's programming and repression of sexuality hurt me to the C O R E & I was a walking, wounded mess in relationships.  I caused pain because I was in pain. Limiting beliefs on love, gender roles, sex & a fear of intimacy ran through me until I could take no more. 
...I was desperate for C O N N E C T I O N. For deep soul connection. I knew there was more, I knew I deserved better & to B E better, but I had no clue where to start. I tried playing house, tried being the housewife, the working "man", the serial monogamist, & nothing was working. 

... I always knew s h e was out there, since I was little girl I knew there was a woman waiting for me, evolving with me. Come to find out, It was ME I was searching for!
I was her. It was M E  I had to love first. And boy did God have a plan for me!


...One day in late May of 2017, 2 weeks after my first reiki, accupuncture, & hypnotherapy sessions, I had a spontaneous kundalini Twin Flame awakening that J O L T E D me out of my body & an entirely new Soul walked in. Literally.
….Lifetimes of memories streamed through my consciousness, thousands of years of being on earth, traveling through the cosmos with my soul counterpart E R U P T E D into my higher heart chakra, opening the flood gates to a whole new world. I always knew she was in me! 

THIS was what God meant when he said it would all make sense one day. That the relationship I was meant to be in was divinely orchestrated, divinely guided, & divinely protected ALL THESE YEARS!

The miraculous synchronicities are my true north. My soul is my compass & my intuition my guiding light. My inner child is the explorer.

...That was when my true relationship with GOD/Source & myself began on a whole other level. I snuggle with myself. I hold myself when I cry. I take myself out on dates. I hug myself, I am in awe of myself. I have fallen in love with my own Soul.

...I T R U S T myself... I go to bat for myself..I let go of the old stories of who I was in relationships & have embraced this new me. I am a healthy, conscious partner who honors my sacred masculine & sacred feminine, in myself & others.

I respect myself. I speak kindly to myself.

I feel F R E E . S O V E R E I G N

...Since then, I have completely transformed my entire life, all of the pain & heartbreaks were not in vain. They were leading me toward my Souls Missions. 

I was meant to anchor in an entirely new template of love, an ancient template of divine love. And it started with learning & continuing to learn to LOVE myself U N C O N D I T I O N A L L Y.

Accepting that I embody the divine feminine far more, using my intuition to guide my life & my SOUL instead of Ego.

….Recognizing and accepting A new way of being On all levels Of love, I continue to set  healthy boundaries & taking accountability for my own actions and emotional triggers. Women dont need saving & neither do men. Neither do I! 

...Diving deep into the spiritually based romantic partnerships & what it means to be a conscious partner in the eyes of God...

....Not needing others approval and having self validation for decisions based solely on intuition & no longer logic alone….
Uncovering the magic of C O M M I T T I N G to myself & being able to be alone, enjoying my own company!

... Dedicating Time to myself & what it means to be in an authentic relationship with myself….

…. Recognizing that all of the difficulties I had in relationships were experiences I chose on a soul level so I could deeply understand true love from a human level.

... The trials & struggles allowed me the opportunity to Alchemize my pain into love. It prepared me to have the capacity & highest connection with my soul counterpart & to eventually physicalize that relationship on Earth .... 
...Energy healing & consciousness work Has allowed for my inner child to To heal, to blossom & to take charge ....
... Developing my P A S S I O N S, pursuing my interests & discovering what I love while serving humanity are my top priorities…. 

....Trusting in divine timing, that nothing is personal, it is all about energetic alignment when it comes to manifesting what you want in your life….

 Every single relationship that I went through had its purpose and had its time limit. Nothing is wasted …
.... No longer gaslighting myself I honor and respect when I have triggers and I get to the bottom of them so that I can learn about myself on a soullevel .... 
….Maintaining healthy friendships, I am reliable, I am trustworthy..I no longer over give, I allow myself to recieve just as much as I give.

It is a lifelong learning process to love yourself.  I am astounded with the progress that I have made these past 4 years.

...manifesting from a place of power. not force.


…. Regardless whether or not you understand what a twin flame/soul counterpart is, there is a new kind of relationship anchoring on Earth, a new way of relating, loving & connecting.
...Being connected to my own soul & loving myself unconditionally was worth all the pain, sadness & suffering. 

 I am an ambassador for this ancient love template, & a guide & mentor for all soul based relationships.
This time around, I am ready for true love


Love,

​Whit


]]>